Treatments for VD

And so it swings around again, a Hallmark event with all the sincerity of a Tory promising "we're in this together" while jizzing on a pile of fifites after a reach-around from an oiled up banker: Valentine's Day, or VD as I like to refer to it because that's how welcome it is. More often than not, romance is about spontaneity (or at least the appearance of it - they'll never know how many sleepless nights went into planning that perfect gesture) but VD is the antithesis of it. No-one has put it better today than The Teaqueen did on Twitter:

"Happy Valentines! Hope you all get cheap flowers, a cheesy card, overpriced dinner and some lacklustre sex later. Mwah."

So, in honour of those singles and couples who haven't caught the VD madness, here are five anti-VD songs. Take your Simply Red and ram it up your hoop.

The Delgados: All You Need is Hate

It might never have been intended as that kind of song, but you know a thousand VD playlists will start with All You Need is Love. With that in mind, how else to begin the treatment with a blast of wonderfully misanthropic pop? It's one of those songs that you might hear in the background and think it's a great pop ditty, but it's only when you listen to the lyrics you realise The Delgados have pulled off a Kaiser Soze-esque trick of misdirection:

"Hate is everywhere, inside your mother’s heart and you will find it there
You ask me what you need, hate is all you need"

Harsh, but the perfect antidote to VD in all its cutesy guises.

Arab Strap: I Still Miss You

 
Listening to Arab Strap over the years it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that Aidan Moffat is to successful relationships what Liz Taylor was to long marriages. Whether damaged by his own fuck ups or those of his erstwhile partners, Moffat's songs stumble around like a drunk in search of a safe haven at the end of a mammoth drinking session. I Still Miss You, used in the soundtrack to Irvine Welsh's Acid House, is possibly him and Arab Strap at their bleakest, ruing a lost relationship, wishing disease on the new partner but still unable to let go. The clanging backing track sounds like the doom of a cheap whisky hangover and the strings could easily sound cheesy but instead add to the sense of confusion and loathing.

The Velvet Underground: The Gift

John Cale's perfect deadpan recital of a Lou Reed short story set to a typically skewed backing. Waldo Jeffers, the lovelorn main character, comes up with the perfect way to see the girlfriend who's left him and gone to college. A packing crate and a man with true love in his heart, what could possibly go wrong?

The Verve: A Northern Soul

This blog isn't about dissecting song lyrics and interpreting the meaning of any given song, but I'm pretty sure A Northern Soul is about something more personal and profound to Richard Ashcroft than sticking two fingers up at Valentine's Day. However, it's my blog, hardly any fucker reads it and I'll decide. Any song where the singer proclaims he has "no time for love and devotion" before stating "I tell you so many lies and then I'll let you go into the night" and concluding "I'm gonna die alone in bed" has to be included here.

Throbbing Gristle: Very Friendly (Parts 1 and 2)

 

Murder as a way to celebrate a six month anniversary? For the Moors Murderers, yes. There's not really much to say about this other than it's 17 minutes you'll either love or hate. Definitely the best way to finish an anti Valentine's post.